Let’s Create Some Real Change
If you stop for a sec and get really honest with yourself, how often do you find yourself complaining about the same thing over and over?
- Your weight
- Your finances
- Your schedule
- Your intimate relationship, and maybe the lack of intimacy??
- A friend (or family member) that drives you nuts
- The state of your home – cleanliness? Organization? Style & decor?
In my experience, this is the kind of stuff most of us complain about all the time. We complain that it makes us crazy, we lament to our friends about how much we wish it were different. We might even attempt to make some changes: try harder, try something different, try ‘if I could just get it together’, try ignoring it, try passive-aggressively making someone else change to make the situation better….
I’m sure you’ve all heard the quote about doing the same thing over and over is the definition of insanity? Well… consider that 99% of the time, whenever you try to fix or change something (even when you try to do something “different”) on your own you’re just doing a different version of the same thing and the likelihood of long-term success is minimal. I mean, isn’t that what you’ve been getting for results so far??
Don’t freak out yet. And keep reading because I’m also not suggesting that you need to hire out to fix these problems.
I’m here to give you some insight into what the secret to doing something truly different is… And as per usual the answer is simple and at the same time not a comfortable action to take.
YOU NEED TO ASK FOR HELP.
Now as we all know “you can’t hire someone to do your pushups for you” (thanks Jim Rohn) and that’s not what I’m talking about anyway. I’m not talking about asking someone else to help you by doing it for you, or even supervising you while you’re doing it. I’m talking about a different kind of help… Check this out:
A while back I was really struggling with how busy I was. I was getting stressed out trying to keep everything on track. I was starting to feel like it was never going to get any better and that I just wanted to hide out and watch Netflix. I was involved with a group at the time that was all about efficiencies and one of them asked me if he could help. I said that I didn’t know how he could help because all the work I did was one-on-one client work, writing, or figuring out how to get to the gym – there was no way he could jump in and fix anything.
He kind of laughed and said: “that wasn’t the kind of help I was talking about… Are you open to someone else having a look at your calendar and seeing how you have things set up? Maybe a fresh set of eyes would see something you’re missing.”
Whoa. Whaaaat?? That felt like a totally new idea and it also felt really uncomfortable at the same time. Inviting someone else in to look at how I was doing things and then offer me feedback about where I could make some changes – talk about feeling like a set-up to be criticized!
I decided to take a chance on him – he’s a super smart dude and I knew he had my best interests at heart. Needless to say, when we sat down, he really helped me identify a couple of areas where I could make some changes that would really positively affect how I was doing things and my stress level. There is no way if I hadn’t accepted his offer of help, that I would have seen those opportunities he pointed out. I wasn’t looking at things the way he was, I was looking at them the way I was – and I was stuck.
I learned from that experience that asking for help can look much different than a version of “can you do my pushups for me?”
I bet if you open yourself up for help from the outside, you’ll find that other people can see things you can’t that would really make a difference.
A quick note about who you want to consider asking for help:
Make sure you feel emotionally SAFE with whomever you’re going to invite into your ‘stuck-ness’. This seemingly radical act of asking for help can feel extremely vulnerable and if you request help from someone you have felt judged by or maybe they’ve made you feel bad about yourself in the past, you’re only inviting anxiety and more stress in a different way. Of course, that might be another way you self-sabotage actually reaching your goals, but that’s a different conversation for a different day.
Also, you don’t have to make this a big deal… you can simply say something like:
“Hey – I feel like I’ve been dealing with and complaining about this same thing for a long time and I’m sick of it. Can you see anything that I might be missing? Maybe there’s something you see that I could be doing that would make a difference? Or maybe you can see something I could stop doing?”
This applies to just about everything on the list. So often an outside perspective, because they’re not IN it and they’re not really attached to the outcome, can see things you simply can’t from your position in the trenches.
If you’ve been trying to lose weight for ages and you keep trying a different version of the same diet and exercise plan and you’re not getting anywhere, and you know someone who’s skilled in that area or has had their own success – ASK THEM for their ideas!!
If you’re dealing with ‘ick’ (a very technical industry term) in your intimate relationship and you know someone who is educated in communication or who has their own successful relationship – ASK THEM for their input!!
If you’re trying to manage a breakdown in your self-esteem (because you keep making poor decisions that don’t serve you) and you’re sick of dealing with the fallout – as vulnerable as it may seem – ask someone you know that has dealt with their own stuff. Even though you may feel like you’d be putting them out or asking a lot of them, I promise you they’ll be happy to contribute to you.
The only other thing I have to say on this topic right now is: sometimes people really just want to complain about something. It gives them something to talk about and connect with people over. Another weird thing about human beings is, as counterintuitive as it is, sometimes we actually need something to feel bad about, something to beat ourselves up over… If that’s the case for you, asking for the type of help we’re talking about here won’t make a difference. You have some other stuff you’ll want to look at first.
Asking for help can be one of the most challenging things you’ll ever do and it’s the thing that will inevitably push you through the stuck place you find yourself in.
How’re You Doing?
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